"A stale article, if you dip it in a good, warm, sunny smile, will go off better than a fresh one that you've scowled upon." - N. Hawthorne

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The only step I see in merged families is the the one you take together...

I recently read an article about merging families....or as most of you call step-relationships; however, we use the term bonus in our household.  It sparked some interest to delve further into seeing how how others have fared creating sibling bonds in children of different mothers or fathers.  I was very fortunate in the fact that my son and two bonus daughters are all of pretty similar age...and likes.  In fact, if no one knew any better, they would assume they were all biologically related because they have so many similarities between them all. 

What I was mostly interested in my research was how we could create a bond in our family between each of us and our relationships that was no different than a family of all biological siblings.  Our family unit has experienced quite a few...challenges....that have forced us to become closer whether we were ready to or not.  I know exactly what a child feels like when there is a new mom, dad, or sibling in the picture; I've lived it.  I've experienced the hurt, the wonder, the fight internally because you actually (GASP!) like the new parental unit in your life, the joy of finding someone that you can count on just as much as the "original".  When I was all of a sudden going from one kid to three, all I could do was think of horror stories about how I will fail, how the kids will hate me, how could I ever possibly get their love and trust; or vice versa, how could I teach my son that he could love and trust his bonus dad too.

Surprisingly, things went rather well for the sudden mush-pot we were all thrown in! It was hard for my son at first; being an only child and having to now share attention with two other children.  It was hard for the girls; learning the new rules of the house and trying to figure out if I was there to help them or harm them.  What was really hard was the three of them learning boundaries as to what was acceptable behavior and what was not while they all tried to claim their turf and establish their place in the household.  I did what I knew how to do best; I read everything I could lay my eyes on, tried new things to see how they worked and scratched them if they blew up in my face or embraced them if it was the next gem.  For a little over two years now, I have trialed and erred (but hey, you can easily accomplish that with life in general, right?), I have lost battles, I have won more (!!), and I am witnessing my little people shape and form into their own individual persons without sacrificing what they came into this relationship with in the first place.

I sit back and watch my babies play together, laugh together, cry together, get irritated with each other, beg each other, ignore each other, annoy each other....and I feel....happy.  What I realized after reading all of these articles about merging families, blending, bonding, etc is that we are there.  Our kids have a strong bond already; they look out for each other, they team up against us together (pffft!), they want to share experiences and stories with each other.  Further, they love us as their parents.  This makes my heart so incredibly happy.  In knowing that we are on the right track at gaining each others trust that we all love and care for one another no matter how life brought us together, keeps me optimistic that we will only grow stronger as a family unit as days go on. 

The lesson I am most thankful for teaching my children thus far is that it's okay to give your love to someone else.  Just because you give some of your love to the new person, doesn't mean it is lessened to anyone else.  It just means your heart is fuller.  I feel incredible joy when my girls call me mom, and I feel even more joy when my son encourages them to do so.  This shows me that they accept the hand that has been dealt, they are okay with it, and they want to further explore where we go from here...together.

As pictures always speak louder than words, I ran across these two pics taken and created by my son last week.  I cannot explain how full my heart is!



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