The only step I see in merged families is the the one you take together...

I recently read an article about merging families....or as most of you call step-relationships; however, we use the term bonus in our household.  It sparked some interest to delve further into seeing how how others have fared creating sibling bonds in children of different mothers or fathers.  I was very fortunate in the fact that my son and two bonus daughters are all of pretty similar age...and likes.  In fact, if no one knew any better, they would assume they were all biologically related because they have so many similarities between them all. 

What I was mostly interested in my research was how we could create a bond in our family between each of us and our relationships that was no different than a family of all biological siblings.  Our family unit has experienced quite a few...challenges....that have forced us to become closer whether we were ready to or not.  I know exactly what a child feels like when there is a new mom, dad, or sibling in the picture; I've lived it.  I've experienced the hurt, the wonder, the fight internally because you actually (GASP!) like the new parental unit in your life, the joy of finding someone that you can count on just as much as the "original".  When I was all of a sudden going from one kid to three, all I could do was think of horror stories about how I will fail, how the kids will hate me, how could I ever possibly get their love and trust; or vice versa, how could I teach my son that he could love and trust his bonus dad too.

Surprisingly, things went rather well for the sudden mush-pot we were all thrown in! It was hard for my son at first; being an only child and having to now share attention with two other children.  It was hard for the girls; learning the new rules of the house and trying to figure out if I was there to help them or harm them.  What was really hard was the three of them learning boundaries as to what was acceptable behavior and what was not while they all tried to claim their turf and establish their place in the household.  I did what I knew how to do best; I read everything I could lay my eyes on, tried new things to see how they worked and scratched them if they blew up in my face or embraced them if it was the next gem.  For a little over two years now, I have trialed and erred (but hey, you can easily accomplish that with life in general, right?), I have lost battles, I have won more (!!), and I am witnessing my little people shape and form into their own individual persons without sacrificing what they came into this relationship with in the first place.

I sit back and watch my babies play together, laugh together, cry together, get irritated with each other, beg each other, ignore each other, annoy each other....and I feel....happy.  What I realized after reading all of these articles about merging families, blending, bonding, etc is that we are there.  Our kids have a strong bond already; they look out for each other, they team up against us together (pffft!), they want to share experiences and stories with each other.  Further, they love us as their parents.  This makes my heart so incredibly happy.  In knowing that we are on the right track at gaining each others trust that we all love and care for one another no matter how life brought us together, keeps me optimistic that we will only grow stronger as a family unit as days go on. 

The lesson I am most thankful for teaching my children thus far is that it's okay to give your love to someone else.  Just because you give some of your love to the new person, doesn't mean it is lessened to anyone else.  It just means your heart is fuller.  I feel incredible joy when my girls call me mom, and I feel even more joy when my son encourages them to do so.  This shows me that they accept the hand that has been dealt, they are okay with it, and they want to further explore where we go from here...together.

As pictures always speak louder than words, I ran across these two pics taken and created by my son last week.  I cannot explain how full my heart is!

Finding God....again

I've never really been what some people might call a bible-thumper.  I have always believed in God; that was never an issue.  The issue was that I would only seek Him when I needed something.  If I was in a bad spot, I would talk to Him; if something wasn't going my way, I would pray for a change.  I would receive an answer sometimes, but mostly it was not the one I wanted. 


When Tommy and I received full custody of his two girls in May '11, I immediately turned my head right up to the sky.  I was praying like I've never prayed before.  I talked to God morning and night; and often a few times in between.  Going from one to three kids is quite the change; adding a daddy that is never home makes it that much harder.  I was fighting a battle I didn't know how to handle.  I wanted to be everything for the kids, but didn't know how to do it right.  So, I prayed.  I prayed for strength.  I prayed for knowledge.  I prayed for success.  I prayed for patience.  I prayed for love.  I prayed for just about anything I could think of that would lead me in the right direction with my family.  Now, by no means is this road over, (at least not until 2024 when the baby leaves...but who's counting?!), and in no way am I saying this is easy, but having the Lord on my side has put such peace and rest within my soul that I feel like raising my babies and taking care of my family is a cakewalk.  Sure, it is definitely difficult at times, but I always have the strength to pull through and come out right side up.


Seeing how God had helped me in that area, I have continued my search to allow Him to be a part of my entire being.  God has become my best friend.  I tell him everything; even the things I would be embarrassed to say to my mother.  In speaking to him, I have learned to pray for others around me.  My happiness is based on the happiness and success of my family and friends.  I have noticed as I learn to pray not out of selfishness for my own gains, but for the success of others, I hear a louder response.  Tommy was laid off three months ago.  He had not received one phone call about a job opportunity in over a month and a half.  He was depressed (sorry boo for putting you on blast, but I'm trying to make a point here!).  It was affecting our relationship and the relationship of him and the children.  Nothing major, but everyone could definitely sense a bit of tension.  See, Tommy's like one of the toys in  the stores that have a button that says push to play.  He's not meant to sit on the shelf all day.  He likes to work.  He has a strong work ethic and an even stronger ethic to provide for his family.  Not being able to help or contribute really pushed him into a dark place. 

So what did I do?  I prayed for him.  For his strength.  For patience to make it through to the next opportunity God would provide.  For the confidence that he would be somewhere soon.  The next day he had two recruiters fighting over him for an interview.  A week later, the Astros called him for an interview.  So, I thanked God for the opportunities he was presenting, and I prayed for him wrap himself around Tommy and guide him to the right path that he wanted him to be on.  It turned out that the job prospects, though great, ended up being dead ends.  Then a few days later he gets a call from a staffing agency that says they have a position for him to interview for; it doesn't sound great, but we are going on three months now, so anything will do.  Tommy glumly goes into the interview, finds out it is completely different than what the staffing agency explained and turns out to be a great opportunity for him, so comes out all smiles.  He is called two hours after the interview to hire on as a working interview for a few days with a very strong possibility of a full-time hire in a salary position!  God closed the other doors because he knew that this opportunity was available for him.  Unbelievable!

To put this into further prospective; I do a five finger prayer every morning.  One for myself, one for Tommy, one for the kids, one for family, and one for friends.  Last week, I had a blow out on the freeway; literally spun around matrix style on the freeway, barely missing about four vehicles doing 65 mph...and the wall.  We somehow ended up pointed in the right direction safely on the shoulder.  I'm telling you, ever since I made God my number one go-to-guy, the odds have been ever in my favor.  I am so lucky to have been supported financially, physically, and emotionally over the past year by just giving one thing a little more of my attention. 

I'm not here to preach to you or tell you that you must find God and pray or your life will be miserable.  I am here to tell you that I fully believe in MY God and what He can do for me.  I encourage you to find YOUR God if you have lost touch or not found Him at all; you may be surprised at what you find.

Mark 4:26-27, 28-29 - Faith is like a seed; plant it in your heart. God gives the harvest at the appointed time.

Reality Check

Over the past month, I have found myself constantly focusing on where I am at in life; mainly in looking at my relationship and our children.  I know the last time I wrote, I was excited because the man of the house was going to be home full time and I was excited for the change.  Obviously, since it has been about six months since I've posted, that did not happen!  Crazy how that little thing called life gets in the way, huh?

The week after Easter, I learned that a friend of mine received a terminal diagnosis for his first born little girl and that she was not expected to live very long; the doctors gave an 18 month window.  The short of it is that Avery was diagnosed with SMA at 5 months old and passed away a month later after suffering from cardiac arrest.  I followed this story from the start; via blog (you can read the full story here, Avery's Bucket List), news, Facebook updates from my friend and his friends, etc.  It was so touching to me that Mike and his wife Laura had found out their baby was going to die, and instead of wasting away in tragedy, they stood tall and gave Avery the best life she could ever have while she still had one and showed her how much they loved her.  Seeing their story made me really start to focus on on my own children and how I raise them.

Raising three kids and having a father who works late hours or out of town can be a very hard chore for a mom.  I've had a year's practice under my belt, but all my sunshine and smiles had faded away.  I'm tired.  I'm annoyed.    The house is never clean.  The laundry is never done.  I don't want to cook.  I don't want to do dishes.  I work 50 hours a week and I do not want to come home and fight three kids who had a bad day and take their frustrations out on me...or each other.  (Of course, we all do that though, don't we.  Why do we take things out on the people we love?  Ironic, isn't it?).  I was in a pretty down in the dumps spot.  It's not that I don't want the life I have, and its not that I don't love and enjoy my children; its just that everyday when I wake up, I know that I have a very long day ahead of me and the only time I will have to myself is the two minutes after I've put my head on the pillow before I fall asleep....literally, crash and burn.

This story of Avery has changed my perception on life.  Tears came to my eyes a couple weeks ago because I was driving down the road, looked out the passenger window and vaguely read "I love you mom".  Two mornings previous, I had yelled at Austyn for drawing all over the dew misted car because I can't see very well through dried dirty windows with pictures drawn all over them (shut up, I know I should wash my car more!).  He wanted me to think of him; that's all; and there I was yelling at him first thing in the morning on the way to school.  It's things like this that happen all the time in my household.  The adults are so worried about keeping the kids in check that we are sometimes taking for granted the very reasons that should be bringing smiles to our faces daily.

After following Avery's story so closely, I have learned how to become a better parent.  When my babies want to do something that is only going to happen once, I am all for it.   Who knows if they will ever be given that chance again?  When I want to crawl in a hole and hide, but they want me to play a game or read, I'll do it.  Because who knows if I will ever get that time with them again.  My kids love me and they think that I'm the sweetest and most loving (I have letters from them to prove this!), and I do not ever want them to change their perception of me.  I want to be their mom, their best friend, their adviser, their disciplinarian, the one they cry to, the one they argue with (just to see they'll lose!), and everything else that they would ever ask me to be for them.  That is why I am here, that is why I am a parent.

In closing, I want to send Mike and Laura a very blessed thank you for what you have taught me.  I don't know what it was like to be in your shoes, but I do know that you had more strength than I think I could ever have.  The love you showed for each other as well as your baby helps me to realize daily that the most important thing in life is the thing we take for granted because it is such constant in our lives. I never want to take my family for granted; I know without them I would be nothing.

Looking Forward to Change

Change is a funny thing.  All of the emotions you experience while you anticipate a change make for anxiety, nervousness, excitement, doubt, and any other feeling under the sun that you could possibly think of.  For me, I embrace change.  I love it actually.  I get bored very easy, so if I don't have some change every now and then, I become very....blah.

So, I know what you're thinking.  Colleen...you have a full time job, you have three kids, a boyfriend, a family, friends!  How can your life ever be "consistent"!  Well, you are kind of right there.  Sure, things change from day to day - who's being the disruptive kid, who wants to have fun, what activities we have to do, etc.  But it is still the same thing everyday, all day.  Wake up, make breakfast, send kids to school, go to work, come home from work, pick kids up from school, do homework, make dinner, go to a game or practice, come home, feed children, send them to the shower, put them in bed, go to bed.  Repeat.  The monotony.  It's agonizing!

Not only is the repetitiveness like an enclosed grave on Earth, doing it alone just flat out sucks.  Tommy is working overtime, or out of town, or having to stay home with the girls while I take Austyn to practice or whatever the story may be for the day.  We are never together.  We hardly get to see each other, and when we do, its pretty much in passing on the way out the door to work or on the way into snooze land.  God bless the strength we've been given to remain exasperatingly in love during a time like this, but it really is an empty feeling when you have no one to share your life with...no matter how boring it may be.

Change is on the horizon though, and I could not be more than ecstatic for it to arrive.  Tommy is expected to be home, on time, everyday, beginning next week (hopefully for an extended period of time!).  I can not wait to have him there to help me from losing my mind...or patience (which let's just be honest here, I was not blessed in that department, so there is very little of it to begin with!).  I am so excited for the change of coming home and rambling about nonsense from my day with an adult, having help getting the kids taken care of, and most importantly, just getting to spend some time with the person that I do all of this for.  So, here's to hoping the blah is soon replaced by giggles and laughter; after all that really is the best medicine.

A moment of thanks

I gotta give a little credit to the man of the house (And no, it's not Austyn, no matter how hard he tries to make it be that way).  Tommy has been pushing anywhere from 75-80 hours a week.  I was thinking maybe he went bat crazy living in a household with four other people (three of them miniature, and very demanding) and just wanted to be out of the house!  But, it turns out, the reason is more because he is thinking ahead and building a solid cushion in the event anything should happen.  Forward thinking.  I like it. 

The problem with working so much like that is when you are home; you are practically in a vegetable state.  So, here's where another shout-out comes in to my man.  T was completely undomesticated when I met him.  Cooking was out of the question.  He learned how to do laundry about a week before we met.  And anything related to handy-man was simply a foreign language to him.  T called me Monday and said, "What's the plan for today?"  I said, "Well, same as every other school day - pickup kids, homework for a gazillion years, then dinner, shower, and bed."  His response?  "So, what should I do?". You know you've been out of the picture quite a bit if you have to ask what you are supposed to do while at home!  Before I could respond, he suggested cooking dinner.  He's been grilling  since the start of summer (another thing picked up in the course of our relationship), but surprisingly wanted to try something different because he can only do so much on the grill...and it can get tiring. 

So, I said, sure!  Why not?  It would definitely help me out a little.  So, we start discussing options on what he could do.  I suggest sloppy joes, spaghetti-o's, picking up a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken from kroger and shredding it for chicken tacos.  He says, "Wait.  Don't you think I am ready to graduate to something a little more complicated?"  Oh geez.  My mind starts going crazy thinking about how much more work I'm going to have to do because I'm going to be teaching three kids and trying to teach him how to cook at the same time.  I nearly have a panic attack because I'm scared of what the night is going to bring!  I swallow any negative thoughts and simply respond, "Sure, babe.  Whatever you want to do."  So, as I'm working with the kids, here he is, fresh home from the store, prepping dinner.  A bit later, we are sitting down to a dinner of fettuccine alfredo with grilled chicken and garlic bread.  Yea, I know what you are thinking.  He just jumped right on in, didn't he?  Well, his motto is, Go Big or Go Home.  And that's just what he did - went big, of course.

So, I have to say, sometimes when I think that I am all alone and have no one to help me out, T is really helping in many more ways than I can count.  He's mostly making us a big fat nest egg, but when he's not incubating that, he is picking up other duties so that they don't fall all on one person.  So, big kudos to the man of the house for stepping up, stepping in, and making things happen.  Great partner.  Great Daddy.

A parent; as a teacher

School has been in session for one month now.  It seems like forever longer, but it has really only been a few short weeks.  My little coconuts are in Kinder and Second.  Unfortunately, due to the lack of care of education by her mother, poor J had to repeat second grade.  All summer, I have been thinking of how I can speed up the last year of learning for her and get her on the right track.  When school started, I noticed that there would be an additional problem added to the table.  Em is probably about a year behind schedule academically.  Heartbreaking.

I spent the first two weeks watching them learn.  I've been studying the way they process the material when it is given to them and what kind of responses from me heighten their self esteem instead of lessening it.  It was pretty rough and rocky at first.  The feeling of incompetence and defeat these poor babies have is unimaginable for a child these ages.  I decided that instead of angering myself for the lack of better judgement from their mom, I would completely disregard her altogether and put MY best foot forward.  The past can't be changed, but the future certainly can!

I spend anywhere from 1-2 hours on homework per night with the kids; depending on what the work is for the week and how I think they are coping with classwork.  In the last three weeks I have been dedicating this time, I have started to see improvement in all of their work.  Em went from recognizing maybe 5 words out of the alphabet to about 10 now.  Jordan is learning strategies for math that allow her to understand the questions and come up with the right answers.  Austyn is learning study habits for social studies that he and J can quiz each other with to help the information stick.

Though we still have a long road ahead of us, it is very satisfactory to see that the time put in will pay off.  As an even sweeter gift, I can see how much the kids appreciate spending the time with me - even if it is to do stinky 'ole boring homework.  Last night after doing two sets of flashcards with Em, she looked at me and said, "I love you.  Can I give you a hug?".    About melted my heart.  The smallest things and efforts in a child's eyes are as big as the sky, and I am so happy that I am the one who gets to make the world a happier place for all three of my babies.

Becoming a Tribe

As you may well know, my amazing boyfriend and I have recently gained full custody of his two girls.  What was three then became five.  I love my little tribe.  I have three babies who when one hates me, another loves me, when one ignores me, another gives me their undivided attention, when one will not clean, another will help.  At first, I was Scared. To. Death.  I admit, I am selfish at times.  I like to relax.  I have shows I love to watch.  My favorite thing to do is curl up next to my honey while he plays COD and read my Nook.  With one kiddo, it is easy to make time for yourself.  Three?  Not so much.

The first couple weeks were trying.  Everyone wanted to buck the system.  Austyn missed all of his attention being a single child.  The girls had no idea what a rule or routine was.  Daddy just wanted to sit on the porch grilling, drinking his beer, and listening to music.  Mommy just wanted sleep...and quiet...lots of quiet!  A month and a half in, and we are finally starting to become a unit.  This makes me happy.  Austyn loves being a brother (its all he ever wanted), and helping out in the morning brushing his little sister's hair before school.  Jordan loves to be the oldest who gets more privileges just because she can.  And the baby, Emily, she just loves being doted on and taken care of by not only her sister, but now her brother, daddy, and me too.

I can't believe that me, person who wasn't even sure she wanted ONE child, now has three.  I must say, it is kind of a calling.  I am surprising myself minute by minute at how easily I've picked up the tasks of getting three children ready for school in the morning; making breakfasts, working all day, coming home to hours of homework, cooking, cleaning, and finally bedtime story time.  I've got my groove.  Loving that!  So, now, not so scared.  I know that the cards that have been dealt were meant to be my hand all along; I just didn't know it.  And as time goes by and kinks get worked out of the routine, it will be easy to find that "me" time that is actually not so selfish after all.  Because, if Mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy!  And right now, my tribe has one happy lil coconut leader :)